To sleep perchance to dream
by Synystersdream1
Summary: This story takes place after the war. Hermione and Ginny go back to Hogwarts. Hermione is finding it hard to deal with life after the war as more happened at Malfoy Manor than she let on to her friends. Draco is the only person who knows what truly happened. Will he let it slip? Can she ever get over it?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer; I did not create or conjure Harry Potter, the characters or the storyline, I simply tweaked it a little for my own amusement**

**This story takes place after the war. Hermione and Ginny go back to Hogwarts. Hermione is finding it hard to deal with life after the war as more happened at Malfoy Manor than she let on to her friends. Draco is the only person who knows what truly happened. Will he let it slip? Can she ever get over it?**

**To sleep perchance to dream**

**Chapter one; Back to Hogwarts**

Hermione Granger was hit by waves of déjà vu as she and Ginny boarded the Hogwarts Express. It had been a long and difficult summer for the golden trio and for the wizarding world in general. The weeks after the battle of Hogwarts had been a haze of memorial services and days spent dodging the media. the press followed them incessantly, owls swooped in and around the Burrow all day and it seemed as though they would never get a moments peace until Kingsley Shacklebolt, the new minister for magic, stepped in and ordered that they be left to mourn and readjust.

Professor McGonagall, newly appointed headmistress of Hogwarts, was generously allowing a once off "8th year experience" for all those who wanted it and after careful thought Hermione and Ginny decided to return to their beloved school. It was an easy decision for Hermione as she valued her education and was determined to graduate with honours. For the boys it was more difficult. They decided in the end to begin auror training. After writing to the new headmistress she received a letter back containing, to her surprise, the head girl's badge. She knew that to be head girl was a great honour and that it was something she had aspired too for a while but she couldn't manage to feel as excited as she would have been before the war.

Things were awkward between her and Ron at the moment as they had had a brief summer romance which ended in a flurry of shouting "mostly on his side) and tears (on hers). He would always be special to her of course but it just wasn't meant to be. The war had changed her in more ways than she would like to admit and there were things that she couldn't tell him. He would become irritated with her when she wouldn't explain why she was awoken by terrible nightmares every other night or express what was wrong with her when she fell into a silent mood. She had a secret that she hadn't been able to tell anyone yet and didn't know if she ever could but she suspected that if she couldn't tell the one she supposedly loved then that was a sign. So they fell apart. It was heart-breaking as she had always thought they would end up together, but she wasn't that little girl with a crush anymore. Nobody escapes a war unscathed.

Celebrity had gone to Ron's head somewhat and he wanted to live life to the full while he still had his "irresistible good looks" as he said himself (usually through a mouthful of food) Harry and Ginny's relationship however, was still going strong. The two were very much in love and spent as much time as they could together, which unfortunately left Hermione at somewhat of a loose end in the weeks leading up to their returning to Hogwarts seeing as she and Ron were in the uncomfortable position of just having broken up and living under the same roof. She took that to be her cue to finally go to Australia to retrieve her parents.

It was an ordeal to say the least. They seemed happy when she found them. They were living in Sydney where they had set up a dental practice together. It was a very poignant reunion. She reversed the spell and their eyes lit up when they recognized her. Hermione didn't tell them the full story or they would never let her out of their sight again but she did tell them that she had done what she had done to protect them and her from Voldemort. In the end they decided to stay in Australia while she finished school as they really did love their life there. She agreed to visit them on her school holidays and spent the rest of the summer there with them in the searing heat until it came time to meet the Weasley's at kings cross station.

Back in the present Hermione followed Ginny down the train until they found a compartment. They were soon joined by Neville, Luna and Dean. The group of friends spent the journey chatting and catching up. Hermione pretended to read for most of it, not taking in a word of what was once one of her favorite books. The déjà vu of being here on the train with her friends had gone and she was left with what was becoming a familiar empty feeling. How could things seem so unchanged and yet be completely different? Ginny gave her a sidelong glance every now and again that told her she wasn't fooling her. She chose to ignore this for the time being. Ginny was one of her best friends but she still wasn't ready to talk about what bothered her. After a while she got up and left for the compartment in which she would meet the prefects and the head boy. When she got there she was met by a boy and girl from each house but no head boy. She greeted her recruits, asked them to take turns to patrol the train and dodged their questions about Harry.

Looking up at the school Hermione felt a little better. The castle had been restored to its former glory, its doors wide open to the students as they made their way up the drive. From the light spilling out of the entrance hall she could make just make out the monument that had been erected by the lake during the memorial ceremonies. It was a long stone scroll that displayed the names of all the people on their side who had died during the battle of Hogwarts. She caught Ginny looking in the same direction and gave her friends hand a little squeeze knowing she was thinking of her brother. It had been a struggle for Ginny to convince her mother to allow her to go back to school. Molly was in a bad state after the loss of her son and didn't want to let Ginny out of her sight. In the end it was Mr Weasley who had convinced molly to allow it.

They entered the great hall and sat in their usual seats at the Gryffindor table. Looking around Hermione noticed that the Slytherin table was a good bit emptier than she had ever seen it. Her eyes met a flash of grey and she blinked in amazement and dawning realization. Draco Malfoy was sitting at the Slytherin table, far away from the others. He was looking at her. She tore her eyes away, tears threatening to well up in her eyes. Why was he there? Why would he come back? Another swift glance to make sure she hadn't imagined it told her that he was wearing the head boys' badge. No wonder there it had just been her to deal with the new prefects. It wouldn't be like him to bother attending. She really wished he hadn't come back. How could she possibly face him? What if he teased her publicly about what happened? She didn't think she could handle it if he did.

Hermione was distracted from her darkening thoughts when first the new students were brought in to be sorted and then professor McGonagall began her speech. There were tears from some as she spoke of all those who were lost. She addressed the 8th years then and welcomed them back for their final year. Hermione was a little mortified as well as pleased when Minerva then spoke of her.

"The staff and I would also like to welcome back in particular a very special student. Hermione granger has done a lot for our school and the wizarding world, risking life and limb to ensure our safety from Voldemort (a shudder ran through the room when she said the name) and we wish to thank her for all that she has done for us over the years." To Hermione's surprise and embarrassment the staff and most of the students stood and applauded her. She could feel her face go bright red and did her best not to cry.

To her further embarrassment the call went up for her to make a speech. "Oh Merlin" she thought, panicking. She looked to McGonagall who smiled in encouragement. There was no getting out of this. Feeling as though she would rather have the floor open up and swallow her she made her way up to the podium where McGonagall moved aside for her. The room was silent. She chose a spot on the wall above the students' heads before beginning.

"Thank you professor. I'm not really sure what to say. Last year was a difficult one for everybody. The whole wizarding world suffered at the hands of lord Voldemort. Thankfully we had Harry, the bravest man I know." A huge cheer went up for the boy who lived. Hermione met Ginny's eyes and they smiled at each other. She wasn't sure what else she should say for a moment and the students waited, eager to hear tales of what the golden trio had gotten up to over the last year.

"We lost many great people over the years because of Voldemort. But thankfully because of the combined efforts of so many we can now live free from his bigotry and prejudice." Her eyes flicked to Malfoy, who looked pale and seemed very interested in his hands. "A couple of years ago the sorting hat sang a song warning us about the troubles that were to come. He advised us to stick together and drop all animosity between houses."

" The message is clear. If the wizarding world becomes a more inclusive place for all, for muggle borns, half-bloods, magical creatures the list goes on. If we can pull together and be tolerant of others no matter what their heritage is then we will never have to experience the terror and heart break of war again. I understand that this is easier said than done for some of us here." Again she looked at the Slytherins. "But together we can achieve it. Thank you." There was a huge applause as she made her way down to her seat. Ginny gave her a big hug and they waited for the feast to begin.

It wasn't until they made their way, full and tired, out of the great hall that Hermione realised she would no longer be sleeping in Gryffindor common room but in the head girl's room. She also realised that meant she would be sharing a common room with the head boy. That wouldn't have been so terrible if the head boy was anyone else but him.

She found the way to their new common room which was located on the sixth floor. The door was hidden behind a tapestry depicting the building of Hogwarts. She spoke the password and entered to find a small but comfortable sitting room with a large fireplace over which hung a tapestry showing both Slytherin and Gryffindor coats of arms. A carpet on the floor showed the same thing and there were two comfortable looking couches, one green and the other red. There was a desk at either side of the fireplace with empty book shelves above them and another large set of bookshelves standing on the wall by the door. They also lay empty for the time being. Hermione headed up the stairs where there were two doors. One sported her name on a plaque, the other Draco's.

She entered her room and was instantly pleased with it. She had a window that viewed the lake, a desk, four poster (with red hangings) a heavy looking wardrobe, chest of drawers and a bookcase. Her trunk lay at the foot of her bed and she decided to unpack then and there rather than go to sleep just then.

Anything to avoid the nightmares.

As she worked, folding things and putting them away, stacking her books on the shelves and putting her toiletries in her personal bathroom. She heard the door to the common room open and shut and footsteps on the stairs. She listened until she heard his door shut and then she went for a shower, it felt good to get rid of the train grime. She then got into her most comfortable pyjamas and sat on her bed. She really didn't want to sleep. Instead she began to read the book she had pretended to read on the train.

A few hours later her eyelids began to droop. She couldn't keep this up much longer. Hermione got up and paced around the room a few times before splashing cold water on her face. That did the trick and soon it was light enough outside to get up. She looked at her watch which read 6 am. That was good enough for her. She got dressed and headed out to walk about the grounds for a while. The common room was empty for which she was grateful. She would have to face Draco soon to discuss patrol times for them and for the prefects, not that he would be of much help. Still it was her duty to confer with him even if it was the last thing she wanted to do.

The walk helped to clear her head and wake her up as she walked by the great hall on the way back in she saw that it was already filling up and that Draco was already there. "Good" she thought. That meant that she wouldn't run into him when she went up to get her things.

She entered the great hall to many smiles form various tables. She avoided looking at the Slytherins altogether and sat with her back to them. Ginny sat beside her and they discussed their classes. When the post came they both received letters. Ginny got three; one from her mother full of questions about how she was and letting her know that if she ever wanted to go home she could at any time. She sighed as she read it. "She'll be ok Ginny she's just worried" Hermione said giving her hand a squeeze. Ginny nodded and opened her other letters, one from Harry which made her smile and another from her brother Bill.

As she read that letter Hermione rooted through the stack that she had received. Most of it was fan mail care of the daily prophet and some requests for interviews which she and the rest of the golden trio had been receiving since the battle. There was one from her parents and another from Harry telling her all about how he was enjoying his training. She smiled. It was great that he had the cloud that had hung over him all these years removed. Harry was finally truly happy. Sure there were an awful lot of people to mourn and the scars of battle were slow healers but he had gotten Ginny back and they were happy together and now he had his new training course. She just wished she could find a way to be as content as he was.

A squeal at her side made her jump. "Oh Hermione!" Ginny squealed again. Hermione read the letter Ginny passed to her and beamed at her best friend. Bill and fleur were going to have a baby. "Oh Ginny that's brilliant!" she exclaimed wholeheartedly when she had finished reading. Bill wanted Ginny to be godmother and she was over the moon for her. "It's just great to get good news isn't it" Ginny was still beaming. They ate their breakfast and discussed everything from baby names to what Ginny should wear on the day.

_Short I know but leading up to better things I promise. Please read and review_


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter two  
**

**Disclaimer; same as previous**

Classes were a great way to keep her mind on track, though she was verytired, she threw herself into her studies wholeheartedly. The Gryffindor's had most of their classes, as usual, with the Slytherins. This was just typical. There was no way to just avoid Draco entirely as they shared a common room as well. She thought she spied him looking at her sometimes out of the corner of her eye but ignored it. She wasn't going to let him get into her head. Not this year.

Potions, with Slughorn was first that day and she did well. Hermione was partnered up with Neville, who had become very good in the subject under Slughorn's gentler approach than their previous potions master. She always felt a little sad when she thought of Severus Snape and the life he had led. Since Harry told her about the sacrifices Snape had gone to to make things up to Lily potter she felt she finally understood him a little more.

When classes ended she went to the library to get a head start on her homework. It was blissfully empty and she got a lot done. After she finished her potions essay and charms homework she read ahead for her lessons the following day, not leaving the library until closing time. Slowly she made her way to the sixth floor. The common room was empty when she walked in so she sat on the red couch and took out a sheaf of parchment and a quill before sitting back, using her charms book to support her parchment. She wrote the heading; **patrol rota**, before listing the names of the prefects plus hers and Draco's. She was soon lost in her work and didn't notice the door to the common room opening and closing quietly.

"Shouldn't we sort that out together?" came a voice from across the room. She jumped, turning. It was, of course, Malfoy.

"I didn't hear you come in." she said in reply.

"I noticed." He smirked in his usual Malfoy way. Then he sat in the green couch across from her. His face turned suddenly serious. "Listen granger, I think we should discuss what happened…" he began but she cut him off.

"I think that we should take the later watch on a Monday."

He looked like he was going to try to bring it up again so she barrelled on, staring at a corner of the rug

"And the Gryffindor's can take Tuesday and so on. It's probably best to work in pairs for the first weak at least, and then we can separate them and put more on a night. And one of us needs to be available every night in case they run into any trouble. We can take that in turns." He sighed in defeat.

"Sure Granger, whatever you think." He then got up and left running his hands through his blonde hair. She continued to stare determinately at the same patch of the rug until she heard his bedroom door close. She finished the rota and headed up to her own room. Her bed looked so inviting but she ignored it, determined to hold off sleep for as long as possible. She grabbed a warm jacket and headed out into the halls rota in hand. She put it up on the bulletin board in the entrance hall and patrolled the halls for a while.

Hermione returned to the common room and sat on the couch. She was so very tired. She knew it was a stupid idea to stay awake but she was just so sick of the crippling nightmares "I'll close my eyes for just a minute" she thought. The room was so warm and the couch was so comfortable. Slowly she felt her eyelids droop, droop and close.

_She was lying on the floor in Malfoys manor. Harry and Ron had been taken away and she was alone in a room full of death eaters. Bellatrix Lestrange was screaming questions at her and shooting crucios at her over and over again when she refused to answer. Hermione could see Draco out of the corner of her eye. He looked pale and thin. There was an expression on his face she couldn't decipher._

"_Bella you're going to kill her before you get anything out of her" she heard Draco's voice from within the haze of pain. Bellatrix rose from where she was stooping over Hermione's prone form on the cold marble floor, her long, filthy black dress swishing around her thin frame._

"_Do you have an objection to this nephew?" she asked in a cold, calm voice…_

She woke to the sound of her own screams. The room was slowly brightening with the dawn. She sat with her head in her hands and sobs racked her body. Once she managed to calm down she stood and turned to go up to her room. She could just make a figure out at the top of the stairs. As the dawn light lit up his face she recognized the expression. He looked just as he had that day at the manor. He whispered something before going into his room. It took her a moment to realize what he had said.

"I'm so sorry."

Hermione spent as much of her time as she could in the library, hanging out with Ginny or outside walking. She felt humiliated that Draco had watched as she had a nightmare. She avoided him like the plague. She wasn't about to let him know he had gotten to her. She cast a silencing spell on her room every night before falling asleep in the hopes of masking the fact that it happened every time she gave in and closed her eyes.

She got the sense that he wasn't fooled from the looks he shot her every now and again. She never thought she'd prefer him being mean to her. Needless to say she wasn't getting enough sleep. Her nightmares woke her in a cold sweat. She was in a constant state of exhaustion. Ginny was becoming increasingly worried about her but she just couldn't find the words to explain what had happened. As far as the Weasley's and Harry knew, she had been tortured for information by Bellatrix who then carved her arm up with the word mudblood. It was all she could bring herself to tell them. How could she? It was still far too fresh in her mind and would they understand? Would they treat her the same? She doubted it, even knowing of her torture as enough to make them treat her a little too kindly for the first few weeks afterwards, when everything had settled down. Would she and Ron have stayed together if he knew what really plagued her mind? Would it lesson his frustration with how long it took her to recover after the war? Would they have stayed together if he had known the real reason why she wasn't ready to take their relationship to the next step? He had been patient with her at first but that patience gave way soon enough to anger. She found that if he wasn't willing to wait for her to be ready with or without her secret reasons then that wasn't a situation she wanted to be in. when they had broken up, though she had been heartbroken, not having that pressure on her any longer was so relieving.

She was in her bathroom after showering, staring at her arm in the full length mirror. The scar was never going to fade. The knife Bellatrix had used on her was goblin made. She would forever carry the reminder of what had happened to her and it killed her a little inside every time she saw it. She got dressed into her pyjamas before sitting on the bed. She decided to read a bit while she let her hair dry. She was fast asleep before she even got to the second chapter and so forgot to cast muffliato on the room. Soon she was stuck in that awful nightmare once more.

"_Answer me Draco. Do you have a reason why I should stop?" Bellatrix looked up at her nephew with cold fury in her eyes. They turned mischievous after he replied _

"_No Bella I just think that it would be a shame if you wasted your chance to get information out of her because you keep cruccioing her before she can answer your questions." Bellatrix smiled then. It wasn't a friendly one. _

"_Do you have a better way in mind Draco? Do you wish to question her yourself?" Draco blanched. _

"_No I just…" she cut him off with a wave of her hand and lowered her face to Hermione's_

"_You are a pretty little mudblood aren't you?" she said and licked the side of her face. "Mmm Draco she tastes ever so good for a little mud rat. Don't you?" when Hermione didn't reply she grabbed a fistful of her hair and slammed her head on the ground "don't you!" Hermione cried out in agony as searing pain swept through her head, blurring her vision. "Are you a virgin mud rat?" she asked. There was a new kind of tension in the room then, though Hermione barely noticed. She was suddenly even more terrified than she had been. Bellatrix crucciod her again. "Answer me!" she practically screamed. Hermione nodded, unable to answer verbally. She was crying outright now, her vision blurred by tears and pain…_

"Granger wake up!" she opened her eyes as someone shook her out of her nightmare. She whimpered and shook uncontrollably still on top of the covers of her bed where she had fallen asleep. Draco stood beside her bed awkwardly. "It's ok Granger it was only a dream. You're at Hogwarts. You're safe."

Once she came to the full realisation of the situation she pushed away from the side of the bed he was close to and then jumped out altogether. Her heart was thumping in her chest wildly as she stared at him angrily.

"Stay away from me Malfoy!" she almost shouted. "Granger I'm so sorry. I know I can never make up for what happened…" she reached the corner of the room furthest from him and curled into a ball on the floor.

"No." she cut him off. "I don't want to talk about it. I can't!" She was almost hysterical. "I just want to forget."

"There are a lot of things I'd like to forget about the war too granger but it's just not that simple. I go over that day in my head again and again wishing there had been something I could have done. Any way I could have…"

"There was nothing you could do" she turned her back on him, willing him to leave so she could wallow alone.

"But there was. I could have saved you…at least from that fate. If I wasn't such a coward." He was pacing, an angry look on his face, his eyes shining with fury. Was he angry with himself? Where had this Malfoy come from and what had he done to the old one?

"You were outnumbered; there was no way you could have gotten both of us out." He shook his head.

"Don't you think I know that? That's not what I mean."

Realization dawned on her. "You mean to say that you regret not…not doing what your aunt told you to do?" she recalled what had happened after Bellatrix forced her to admit she was a virgin.

_The insane witch pulled up Hermione's shirt and began to unzip her jeans... She didn't have the strength to do more than whimper and beg her to stop. There was no mercy to be found there though. _

"_Draco. Prove to me that you do not value this thing. Prove that you are a man. Perhaps if you fuck the mudblood she will tell us everything" _

_Draco became even paler. He averted his eyes from her half naked, bruised and beaten body. "No" Bellatrix looked like she was getting pleasure out of his discomfort. She traced her hand all over Hermione's body. _

"_Do it. Does she not please you? Is her ripe young body not calling to you to pluck her?" Draco looked as though he was going to vomit. The other death eaters in the room stared at the scene before them, even Lucius. Hermione continued to cry and beg her to stop. She was so weak she could barely stay conscious._

"_No, I won't do this. You can touch the mudblood all you want but don't expect me to stoop to that." He wasn't fooling anyone. With a flick of her wand Bellatrix crucciod him. _

"_Do it!" she screamed as he writhed on the floor. When he continued to refuse she stood again and pointed to her husband and his brother. She spoke again. "Then you can watch."_

_Rudolphus took his turn first. His hands roved over her body cruelly, leaving fingerprints on her skin she would later pass off as bruises. He brutally raped her. She somehow found the strength to struggle but he only laughed at her attempts to push him away. By the time his brother took his turn she lay completely still, her eyes on the chandelier above her, wishing she could die. Hoping they would just kill her so she would no longer feel this pain. Bellatrix stood over her with a firm grip on Draco's arm, making sure he watched every sickening minute. When Rudolphus climbed onto her again and turned her over onto her stomach she finally lost consciousness, but not for long as the next thing she knew, Bellatrix bent down beside her and began to carve that horrible word into her arm._

"Look I know it's a horrible, sick twisted thing to say and I know that it wouldn't make a whole lot of difference but at the very least you wouldn't have been in that much pain. I realise that it makes me seem like a sick bastard to even think it but it was war, there was no way you were getting out of that situation unscathed and there was no way I would have been able to help you escape. What those sadistic freaks did to you…"

"That's enough. Stop it. I can't hear anymore." The tears were streaming down Hermione's face. "Just leave. Please just go.

Draco gave her one last guilty look before he did as she asked. She reached over to the bed and grabbed her blanket, covering herself entirely in its comforting warmth. She could feel herself shaking but didn't care. How dare he say that to her. How could he wish for something like that to have happened?

She was unable to think of anything else all night, her mind going over and over what he had said. As the dawn light began to slowly light up the room Hermione found herself thinking of it through his perspective. He must have had to do some awful things during the war. She knew for a fact that she wasn't the only one haunted by nightmares. Though it was a horrible way of seeing the situation, she found herself thinking that perhaps what he had confided in her had a ring of truth in it. What those two men put her through had been more than pain, mixed with the cruciatus curses Bellatrix used to send wave after wave of pure agony through her, she was surprised she hadn't gone mad.

What if he had been the one to do it? One thing he was right about though was that it just wasn't that simple.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer; same as previous

Chapter 3

Hermione took a deep breath before leaving her room a few hours after dawn. There was still plenty of time before breakfast started so she had a good chance of catching him. Standing outside his door she hesitated a moment before knocking on the polished mahogany. She heard his approach and found herself holding her breath. When he opened the door she found herself taking in more of his appearance than she had before. He had large dark circles around his eyes and his hair, usually so neat, was a mess. If she wasn't mistaken he looked as though he too had been crying.

"Granger?" he was surprised

"Malfoy. I just…I'm sorry for my reaction earlier."

"No. you were perfectly right. You must think I'm a monster." He looked down at his feet, seemingly disgusted with himself.

"No, I just didn't take the time to hear you out and once I processed it logically…anyway, I just wanted to apologise."

"You have nothing to apologise for Granger. None of it was your fault."

"But if I had..."

"No." he was suddenly grabbing her shoulders. "Was it you who spoke his name? No. and you thought on your feet. You thought to preform that hex on Potter, you came up with false names. You gave nothing away even under the cruciatus curse!" at the mention of the curse he shivered and she could tell that he was very familiar with its effects.

"I should have been able to defend myself better" she spoke the words that had truly been bothering her. If she had been stronger, faster, better, then none of it would have happened.

"Against a roomful of adult death eaters armed with spells that you would be too noble to use? Too…good?"

The way he said it was just so unlike him, Hermione had to look up into his silvery grey eyes just to make sure this was the same person who had tormented her all through the years they had spent in Hogwarts, the same person who had pushed her in the halls, bullied her about her heritage, laughed as he shot a hex at her that forced her teeth to grow until she almost choked.

Of course he wasn't the same person, not anymore. He had been changed as much as anyone else, by the war. He may have started out eager to join the bad guys, be close to Voldemort and rise through the ranks just like his dear old dad but something had happened to change his views.

"Listen to me granger. There is no way you will ever move on from this if you don't come to terms with the fact that it wasn't something you did or didn't do that made it happen. Blame the dark lord, blame my batshit crazy aunt, hell, blame me! Just please don't blame yourself.

"What happened to you Draco?" she asked, searching his face for a glimmer of the person he used to be. He shrugged but there was something in his eyes before he looked away from hers. Was it guilt? Shame? Fear? She could only guess. One thing was for sure though. She wasn't the only one with secrets.

The last thing Draco expected was a visit from Hermione. A few times now he had heard her screams during the night. He was sure that she cast silencing charms on her room at night because even though he no longer heard her cries he saw just how exhausted she was all of the time. A huge wave of guilt washed over him as he stood in her room that night and watched as she thrashed in the bed, begging to be allowed to die. He had to hold back tears as he saw once more the anguish in her face. What had happened to her, he wouldn't wish on his worst enemies and there had been a time when he counted her as one of them. So why had her plight moved him more than any of the others?

He told himself it was because he knew her, he had grown from the age of ten seeing her bushy head of hair every day, glaring ant her as she answered every question with those huge teeth of hers. Looking at her then he realised that her teeth were no longer big and her hair, though in a state of disarray as she shook in the bed, was no longer the rats' nest it had once been. When had that happened?

He wanted to gather her up in his arms and convince her that everything would be okay but knew that that would only make things worse. Who would want to be comforted by him? The things he had done would haunt him forever and would disgust her or any other decent person for that matter.

The very least he could do though was wake her. He knew that he would be relieved if someone would have woken him over the summer at the manor, but though he knew he could be heard, no one ever came. Even before the second rising of the dark lord, as he grew up, no one ever came. It was the house elves who raised him, fed him, and clothed him. His father taught him discipline of course but the house elves cleaned and treated his wounds afterwards. His disdainful treatment of them made him ashamed now that he looked back. Now that he was away from his father and his twisted teachings. His mother cared for him in her own way, he knew, but her breeding and the temperament of her husband made her distant and seemingly cold. During the battle of Hogwarts she had shown just how much she cared for him and they were a little closer since his father was taken off to Azkaban but not by much. Old habits die hard he supposed.

The way Granger looked at him when he woke her! The way she curled up in the corner as though he scared her. He didn't blame her. After all look at what she had been through.

He couldn't help himself, for some reason looking into those tear filled, chocolate eyes of hers made him want to tell her everything. He knew she wouldn't understand. Smartest witch of the age or not how could she comprehend such a statement. The lesser of two evils had become something he'd had to live with for years, but she was just too innocent, too pure and good to understand. How she must hate him.

He remembered the day she had punched him in third year. The names she had called him. He wondered if she would hit him again. He probably deserved it but instead it looked as though she were folding into herself on the floor. O god what had he done. Why did he have to go and say it? She practically begged him to leave and his heart constricted in his chest as he did what she asked.

Why did he have to ruin everything?

Then she appeared at his door. He was in shock as he heard the timid knock. Was she going to curse him? He answered anyway, getting up from where he had been sitting at the end of his bed feeling sorry for himself.

She actually apologised to him. It was the most shocking thing ever to happen, especially since she had absolutely no reason to do so.

He genuinely hoped that she took in some of what he told her about letting go of the blame. It was something he couldn't seem to do himself as he had real sins on his conscience unlike her.

Then she asked what happened to him. Not only that but she called him by his first name. He couldn't remember her ever doing that before. He felt as though he should probably return the favour. The only times he had ever said her first name was when he was telling people about the "mudblood" in his class at school.

"I've seen too much Hermione." He said being totally honest for once and liking the way her name felt in his mouth. "And done too much. I should be locked up with my father" it surprised him that he was able to spit the word father out like a disgusting swear word, something he was more inclined to do to the word Potter.

"You never killed anyone though" she said. He shook his head

"No but I saw them being killed. I did nothing. So many people. I watched as that snake ate Professor Burbage. I didn't try to help I was only glad that she was dead as it happened. I saw so many muggle being tortured and killed. I watched as Fenrir Greyback bit children. Some of them didn't make it."

He had tears in his eyes now but he didn't care.

"I have performed the cruciatus curse on people, and until it was done to me, until I understood that what we were doing was so wrong, I actually revelled in it."

"And I watched what happened to you, as I have watched so many others. And as usual I managed to ferret my way out of it."

Hermione looked at him with pity in her eyes instead of mistrust and malice. "You never…" he knew what she was getting at.

"No, never. The sight of a wounded helpless woman doesn't turn me on as it did those bastards. Even my…even Lucius. My whole life I have been taught about this noble cause. It's been literally beaten into me since my infancy and I couldn't wait to be one of them. To champion the pureblood race. But I quickly learned that it was never about muggles stealing magic, purebloods dying out or any of it. It was a group of inbred maniacs wanting to cause as much pain and destruction as they could being led by a half blood obsessed with power and immortality. Once Severus saw how disillusioned I had become he gave me a muggle book to read and told me he was going to try to get me out. He didn't have a chance of course but the book opened my eyes further to the truth."

By this stage the two of them were sitting on the end of his bed. Hermione seemed engrossed in the story. "What book?" she asked.

"It was a historical text about a muggle who had very similar views about preserving blood status and in some ways he seemed worse than the dark lord, as he didn't have magic so quick painless death wasn't always on offer."

"I think I know who you're talking about" Hermione said. Of course she knew. From what he had read it seemed that that monster was as famous in the muggle world as the dark lord was in theirs.


End file.
